Food for thought??

Tags: English Language Idiosyncrasies Philosophy Ambiguity

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A SENIOR MOMENT:  I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS!

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank...

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it.  I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit,
has been in place for only thirty eight years.  You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.  I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone callsand letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.  From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.  Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative.  Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor,  and
the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service...
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer  the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call  to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my  toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my  mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required..  A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorised Contact.)

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New year.

Your humble Client

DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!

Tags: Bank Letter

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I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That’s why I need your vote.
 
I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending
 
A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.
 
I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning
 
I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could
 
The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best
 
The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast
 
What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.
 
The message is so very clear,
(we’re merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state. 

Tags: Poem

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  BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE,
  AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

   This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina
   
   A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
   cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
   
   Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the
   insurance company.
   
   In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were
   lost 'in a series of small fires.'
   
   The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
   obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
   fashion.
   
   The lawyer sued and WON !
   
   (Stay with me.)
   
   Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the
   insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated
   nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it
   had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it
   would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
   unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
   
   Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
   company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of
   the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
      
   * NOW FOR THE BEST PART...**
     
   After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
   arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
  
   With his own insurance claim, and testimony from the previous case,
   being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
   his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
   fine.
   
   This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
   Contest.
   
   ONLY IN AMERICA !
> 

Tags: Insurance

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I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.

~~~~~ 

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question. 

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.

Tags: More Wisdom

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1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Tags: Wisdom

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The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes –

• Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)

• Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.

Tags: Disease Beer

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I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.  She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
 
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."  Her parents beamed..
 
"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're
President to do that.  You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
 
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
 
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
 
Her parents still aren't speaking to me. 

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The following new courses are now available, book early to avoid disappointment:

TRAINING COURSES

Personal Development Courses

D110 Creative Suffering
D120 Overcoming Peace of Mind
D130 Ego Gratification Through Non Violence
D140 Whine Your Way to Alienation
D150 Guilt Without Physical Contact
D160 Feigning Knowledge - a career advancement strategy
D210 Carrying a Sheet of Paper Whilst Walking Briskly
D220 Keeping Facts Out of Your Management Structure
D230 Effective Stupidity

D240 Discovering Clockwatching
D250 How to Appear Interested
D260 Problem Making made Easy
D270 Planning Without Forethought
D280 Dumb Insolence - A Practitioners Guide
D290 Speed Reading without Comprehension

Business and Career Development Courses

C110 Selling Office Stationery for Personal Gain
C120 Writing Without Meaning
C140 The Under Achievers Guide to Obscurity
C160 Purchasing With Your Donor Card

C210 Stress as a Hobby
C220 Indecision - which way now?

C240 Instilling Panic in Others
C250 Backstabbing - An Introduction

Relaxation and Craft Courses

R110 Bonsai Your Pet
R180 De-dandruffing your Keyboard
R190 Shoulder Sloping Reflex

Health and Safety Courses

H110 Office Fridge Biology
H150 Developing Eyestrain
H170 Industrial Injury – A way to Long Term Happiness

Tags: Training

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